The Political Sewerage Awards were established in recognition of the important contribution Cyprus’ political class has made to turning the island into one of the most corrupt countries in Europe. Whereas in other countries awards are given for sporting achievements, creative talent or scientific contributions we thought it only appropriate to bestow awards on those members of the political elite who work tirelessly every day to ensure that corruption, nepotism and woeful governance are the natural order of our social, political, financial and judicial system. No doubt, for our stench ridden political class this is far more important than any form of civilized behaviour.
In no particular order, the 2018 awards are as follows:
Corrupt Politician of the Year—Nicos Anastasiades
The jury had no hesitation in awarding this prize to our drunk president. In between imbibing his favourite morning whisky tea, trying to remember which policy position to adopt on any given issue and retiring to bed for his afternoon siesta, our esteemed president likes nothing more than to sell a few passports. Of course he has denied that any of the proceedings benefit his law office arguing that the firm is owned and run by his daughters. But he has been seen visiting the firm’s premises so many times that we can only conclude that, unless he is helping his daughters with the office plumbing or advising them on the finer points of commercial law, he is still running the show.
The Pinocchio Award for Lies—Harris Georgiades
It was a close race between Harris, his friend Nicholas Hadjiyiannis and President Anastasiades. After much deliberation, the jury chose Harris for his outstanding contribution to the demise of the Coop while all the time telling us that there was nothing to worry about and that the Coop was doing fine. Pinocchio would have been very proud of him. Of course, the jury also took into account the countless other lies Harris has fed us during his term as Minister of Finance but unfortunately space precludes us from listing them all.
The Machiavelli Award for Duplicity—Averof Neofytou
Having begun his life in the humble surroundings of Argaka in Paphos, Neofytou has honed his skills of deception, Napoleonic arrogance and backstabbing to become the second most powerful politician in Cyprus. Not quite the biggest whore and pimp in politics, as his boss Anastasiades describes himself, but almost there. He has demolished or contained all his opponents in DISY and he dreams that one day he will replace the drunk at the presidential palace. (Every morning he stands in front of the mirror practising his Napolean impersonation.) Of course it helps to have backers such Leptos, Aristo, Shacolas and Irinarchos.
Political Poodle Award—Nicholas Papadopoulos
Following his disastrous performance in the 2018 presidential elections, it was expected that Papadopoulos would attempt to bounce back with new ideas and ready to go on the offensive against the DISY government. Instead, he opted to give his long tongue some exercise by arse licking Anastasiades and Averof. So much so that he has ridiculed himself and his party. I hear that Anastasiades likes to walk him along the Limassol beach, accompanied by his other dogs. Averof prefers letting Poodle Pap run around in the parks of Nicosia. Apparently he is very well trained and will only bite when Averof tells him. When it’s time to go home all Averof has to do is whistle and Poodle Pap comes to him with his tail wagging in excitement.
The Johnnie Walker Award for Services to the Whisky Industry—Nicos Anastasiades
The jury are in no doubt that President Anastasiades has single handedly made the largest contribution to whisky sales in Cyprus. Apart from his own voluminous consumption of the golden nectar, which begins at breakfast time and continues until he is so inebriated that he has to have a siesta to recover, Anastasiades has been known to offer a glass or two of his favourite tipple to his guests. Napolean is not amused by his boss’ drinking habits but the Archbishop
has been known to join the president in a glass or two, purely for spiritual reasons you understand.
The Incompetent Idiot Award—Ionas Nicolaou and Nicholas Hadjiyiannis
This was a difficult choice and in the end the jury decided to award the prize to both the two short-listed candidates. Nicolaou is one of the most accident prone ministers ever to serve a Cypriot government. His record speaks for itself—prisoner suicides, beatings of inmates by prison guards, collaboration between senior police officers and members of the criminal underworld, etc. The list is long. And what can one say about Harris’s friend Hadjiyiannis that has not already been said? A complete disaster. (See also below.)
Arrogant Shithead of the Year—Nicholas Hadjiyiannis
The jury were unanimous in their choice and it took them all of one minute to arrive at their decision. It’s not enough that this incompetent idiot contributed more than any other individual to the collapse of the Coop, he did so with a demeanor that was bereft of any understanding of the term remorse and accountability. Harris, why are most of your friends such twits? Perhaps that says something about you.
The Freemasons Award—The judges in the Eliades and Laiki Bank cases
Their spectacularly baffling decisions in the cases of Andreas Eliades and the four senior Laiki Bank executives confirms that freemasonry is alive and well in Cyprus. Nod, nod, wink, wink.
Spiritual Contribution to Fascism Award—Archbishop Chrysostomos II
Our god fearing head of church, in his infinite wisdom and concern for Christian values, has offered his flock sermons in support of homophobia, ELAM and other worthy political causes in the hope of saving them from depraved and godless communists. The jury had considered short listing him for the Most Incompetent and Greedy Entrepreneur Award but that would have been unfair on the bankers.
The Goebbels Media Awards—Politis and Kathimerini
After very long deliberations the jury decided that the award should be shared between Politis and Kathimerini for their outstanding service to the DISY government but special mention was made of Alithia and RIK for their important contributions as well.
Most Stupid Economic Policy Proposal—The ESTIA scheme
The jury had no hesitation in giving the award to a policy that rewards strategic defaulters in order to help banks offload their NPLs and sticks two fingers up to those borrowers who live according to their means and not their fantasies. An example of populism marrying the interests of the banks. Anastasiades, Harris, and the banks are having a good laugh at the expense of taxpayers. More a case of ASTIO than ESTIA.
Shyster Public Sector Lawyer of the Decade—Rikkos Erotokritou